On Pandemics

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Recap: Drunk Dude just told the pirate, God sleeps with his eyes open 👀

*****

Drunk Pirate: Arr, he sleeps with iz peepers open? An’ every scallywag knows this about the lord?

Drunk Dude paused before answering. Thinking deeply. “Okay not everyone. Some don’t want to believe that.”

Drunk Pirate: Why be that, matey? If I spy the lord be snoozin’ with his peepers wide open, then we must reckon it be true. Why don’t they?

Drunk Dude sighed, exasperated.

“Like I said, my dude. They just don’t wanna. Simple.”

Drunk Pirate up ended the last of his rum into his mouth and shoved the bottle at the drunk dude.

“Look at this, matey. Vanished. Ye see it’s vanished. Now why won’t ye believe it, when ye can lay yer eyes on it?”

“U tell em’ dude. Everywhere round the world, it’s the same.” Drunk Dude slurred. “You know who’s to blame right?”

Drunk Pirate: No, I don’t, matey. Who be spreading these lies?

“The preachers with colorful dresses” Drunk Dude spat out.

Drunk Pirate: Why colors, me hearty?

Drunk Dude: Marketing, obviously.

TBC

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On Omniscient Beings

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Recap: Time Travelling Drunk Pirate and Modern Drunk Dude are harmonizing when…

****

Drunk Dude and Drunk Pirate were in the middle of their off-key merry song when a deep voice from above thundered. “Shut your pie holes! Some of us have work tomorrow!”

The Drunk Pirate halted abruptly. Swiveling his head up and around, “By the Jolly Roger! ‘Tis the voice of God himself” he exclaimed, bewildered.

Drunk Dude squinted into the darkness above. “Oh Phil, my dude. Who ya lyin to? Ur a bum.”

In an instant, Pirate seemed to sober up. “Shhh…shh, matey,” he said, clumsily covering the dude’s mouth with his big hand. “I may sail the high seas, but I don’t trifle with the Lord.”

Drunk Dude removed the Pirate’s hand and snorted, “Lord? Hear that Phil? U a lord of no fun.”

Drunk Dude cupped his hands at yelled above, “I’ll sing ya to sleep Phil, nighty night.”

Again the Pirate tried to shush the Drunk Dude, glancing at the sky worriedly, “Matey, ye be bringin’ trouble ‘ere. The Lord don’t slumber. Not ever.“

Drunk Dude slapped the Pirate on the back. “Where u been livin my dude? Look around you. All the lord does now is sleep.” He assured.

Drunk Pirate: Truly?

Drunk Dude leaned in conspiratorially, “Mm-hmm. And get this: With his eyes wide open!”

TBC

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On Narco Business

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Recap: Drunk Dude got schooled by a passing jogger on his vices…

***

Drunk Dude hobbled back in irritation to the Drunk Pirate, “Did ya hear that my dude? He called me a druggie!”

Drunk Pirate: You a man of powder and potions bucco?

Drunk Dude nodded sagely, “You know what? I am. That’s a better way to put it. Its medicine for the soul—“

“—sailing you to a hundred shores!!!” The Pirate cut in and sang.

Drunk Dude stilled and thought a second. “and so what if I rolled up a doobie…” he trailed, eyeing the pirate expectantly.

“I’d say, gimme a whiff o’ that goodness matey!” The Pirate finished.

Drunk Dude joined in the pirate’s raucous laughter, sighing. “….and the doctors will agree.”

TBC

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On Modern Slavery

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Drunk Pirate looked around the dark alley in sudden confusion. He noted the sky high walls between which they leisured and the occasional light reflected on the glassy windows above.

“Matey!, im too drunk to know where I am. But look’em grand walls, surely a sign of a prosperous land with hard-workin’ slaves!” he declared.

Drunk dude: Slaves? You’re really too drunk my dude. No more slaves. I can say that for sure in these times.

Drunk Pirate shook his head. “Aint no way these walls can be made then. In me ship hard workin slaves keep it shipshape.”

He sat up straighter and looked at the Drunk Pirate in awe. “My dude, you see what I can’t…you’re right.”

The Drunk Dude stood up and hobbled to the entrance of the alley and yelled. “Slaves are trapped in the building!!”

A few night time stragglers gave him the side eye, “it’s the cubicles!” he said desperately to one man jogging by.

The jogger passed him only to peddle back. “Actually, it’s the sugar.” He informed.

He looked the Drunk Dude up and down and corrected, “and the booze, and the drugs and,” he looked over the Drunk Dude’s shoulder at the pirate waving at him,

“-and the company you keep.”

TBC

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On Languages

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Recap: Drunk dude is sad about the changing world….

Drunk dude shook himself and shuddered. “Topic change my dude. Imma happy drunk.”

Drunk Pirate: Aye, I be game for that.

Drunk Dude: Speaking of you, my dude, You’ve got that pirate slang down pat. Where’d ye learn it? Google?

Drunk Pirate’s eyes widened with excitement, “Ye know me Gogil? Of course ye do! He’s me loyal companion, flying ’round everywhere, chirpin’ away. Even when he don’t understand the landlubbers’ tongue.”

Drunk Dude nodded in agreement, “google is pretty handy for translation.”

Drunk Pirate preened. “Ah, me Gogil be more than just a translator, matey! He’s good for a bit o’ pettin’ too. Treat him right, and he’ll let ye touch his feathers, he will.”

Drunk Dude scratched his head in confusion, “Err that so? Must be a new update or somethin…”

TBC

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On Knowledge Economy

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Recap: Time travelling drunk pirate and modern drunk dude are on some heavier topics.

Drunk Dude sat down beside the dumpster. A sudden melancholy overtaking him, “World’s changed too much too soon. My degree is useless now”

Drunk pirate: Arrr, what ye be jabberin’ about, matey? Jest hold the map steady, the degree will make sense.

Drunk Dude: Your’re clever dude, but all this algorithms- analytics stuff is over me.

Drunk pirate scratched his head as he repeated the peculiar words to himself. “Be this some sort o’ secret code to buried coins?”

“Don’t even get me started on that bitcoin-data mining stuff my dude” drunk dude sighed wearily.

Drunk pirate: Talk o’ mining and coins? Ye be gettin’ me excited, matey!

Drunk dude sat up in exasperation, “That’s what im tell U my dude. In these times, if ya know it, you own it….”

TBC

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On Journalism

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Recap: The drunk pirate and drunk dude are once again left alone.

The pirate rummaged with a discarded newspaper in the dump. His eyes bulged at the glossy images of things he’d never seen.

Drunk Pirate: Blimey!? What be this? What strangeness is this!

Drunk Dude peered over the newspaper and at the big bold lies. He hummed, “you’re right my dude, it’s a sea of sensationalism”

Drunk pirate: “Where be this sea, and what treasures lie within?”

Drunk dude blinked at the pirate. “I know right? What do these people get doing this… you could say the treasure of ratings and readership…It’s drowned many men.”

The drunk pirate shook his head in disbelief, “that bad?”

“The worst.” Drunk dude finished gloomily.

TBC

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On Intolerance

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Recap: A passing GenZ youth does his bit to help the drunk pirate and the drunk dude but…

****

GenZ-er screwed his nose at the drunk pirate, “God, you smell disgusting!”

“That’s not very nice dude. Can’t you see he fell in the dump?” Drunk dude said coming to the pirate’s defense.

Genz-er: Well whats your excuse. You smell the same.

Drunk pirate tried heaving himself off the dumpster and promptly gave up. “’tis the scent of adventure and salty seas, lad.”

GenZ-er rolled his eyes and walked away. “Whatevs. Get a real job, ‘matey’.” He mocked.

Drunk dude chased the genz-er and yelled, “yea get outta here. We don’t need no hater vibes.”

He turned to the Drunk pirate. “Right my dude?”

“Aye, ye be right, bucco. The drunk brethren accepts all. No smell be bad enough,” He leaned in sniffed the drunk dude,

“Even yours.” He guffawed.

TBC

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On Healthcare

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Recap: Time travelling Drunk pirate fell into a garbage dump.

****

Drunk Pirate bellowed, “Arrrr, me heart feels like its been run through by davy jones himself!”

Drunk dude hobbled over to him in concern, “my dude, you havin a heart attack?”

He turned toward the street and yelled for help.

Drunk Pirate: Pass me the grog, bucco. It’ll help me feel shipshape

Just then a Gen Z youth dressed in athleisure approached them, “What’s the matter?”

The drunk dude hiccupped his way through an explanation.

The GenZ-er took scope of the pirate’s outfit and winced, “doesn’t look like he has insurance. Still want me to call an ambulance?”

“No way my dude, look at him. He’s already given up an eye,” drunk dude said pointing to the pirate’s monocle, “this time it’ll be an arm and a leg for the bills!”

GenZ-er snapped a picture of the pirate still in the dump. “No other way, we’ll set him up on GoFundMe.”

Drunk dude nodded in agreement.

The pirate lolled his head and glared at the drunk dude in betrayal, “After all this, ye be goin’ to feed the fish, eh?” *

GenZ youth looked between the two drunks and sniffed as he typed hurriedly into his phone:

...Hard working man- supports himself cosplaying as a pirate- kind soul, more worried about whose going to feed his fish after he’s gone. Please Help. 🙏

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TBC

*feeding the fish- in pirate speak refers to dying, or killing.

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On Feminism

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Continued from previous story…

Drunk pirate smirked, “Arrr, it be don’t matter if they do, if I be wantin’ one I’ll get one” He said with a swig of his rum.

Drunk dude straightened his spine and frantically looked around them, “my dude….shhhhhh. Don’t let the ladies hear that.“

Drunk pirate: why be that, matey?

Drunk Dude: unless you wanna be handcuffed, gagged and lashed…

That piqued the drunk pirate’s interest. “Lashed…gagged? Do the women in yer land be lashin’ up men..?”

Before the drunk dude could reply, a slimy smile stretched onto the pirate’s face. “I love me a sturdy lass, where be findin’ these?”

The drunk dude’s eyes lit up as he announced, “a man who submits!…you’re a feminist’s wet dream, my dudeeeee!”

TBC

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